Why we mistake passion and love for a relationship that is simply toxic, and how we can let go:
Have you ever felt like you’re a ticking time bomb and your anger is either consuming you or putting a damper on the relationships around you?
This could look like… disagreements turning into curse words, slamming of objects, or things getting physical. It can look like snapping on others due to minor inconveniences.
Most of us learn to avoid this authentic, exquisite form of emotion. We suppress it and deal with our anger in non-constructive ways, which in result, sucks the peace out of us or sucks the compassion out of our relationships.
Some of us avoid feelings of anger, or when anger arises, we take it out on others. Sometimes we may blame external circumstances for any of our reckless/unkind dialogue or behavior. A lot of us may project outwards rather than shifting awareness inwards because of fear. Fear that our emotions (e.g., anger) and behaviors stemmed from anger may suggest (in our minds) that we are unworthy or unlovable in some way.
We hear things like, “Stay away from her/him, she/he’s an angry person” … “Don’t talk to her, she/he’s a grump” … etc. These conditioned beliefs weave their way into our minds, and we learn to reject our anger.
In due time, we eventually learn to reject ourselves for experiencing such emotions (consciously or unconsciously). Then, what happens?
As we continue to suppress it moment per moment, it begins to pile up within our body and spirit. This beautiful, raw emotion is consistently avoided, ignored, and rejected. It can then manifest as unhealthy coping mechanisms down the line, such as substance abuse, projecting/abuse, etc. It can even manifest in our physical body through chronic pain, illness, and disease.
Anger is usually stemmed from something deeper than the external situation. It occurs when one of the three are threatened – Our sense of Security (physical, financial, emotional); Our Connections (relationships, sense of value/self-worth, needing to be heard/understood); or Control (feeling empowered to make decisions or have choices).
As we begin to understand our anger, we may find ourselves unraveling deeper layers of emotion that we may have been suppressing for extended amounts of time, such as shame, grief, etc.
Anger allows us to understand our Shadow Self more deeply. It can be our wisest teacher. Therefore, anger is beautiful. I believe it is beneficial when we learn to accept this raw emotion, so we can eventually begin to plant seeds of compassion, kindness, and patience for ourselves.
So, how can we learn to tame our tiger within, in order to preserve our relationships and inner peace?
Through Shadow Work, we begin to learn our anger and dissect the root of the cause right from the jump. Through Inner Child healing, we begin to accept our moments of anger, show love to our raw emotions, and allow our emotions to just be with no judgment when they arise (whether they arise for something minor or major).
Through breathing techniques and exercises which connect us to Self, we learn to breathe through our moments of anger, rather than erupting or projecting onto others every time; and in the moments where we do erupt on others or react through anger (because we are human), these techniques will allow us to go through it with full, conscious awareness and/or self-forgiveness.
Strengthening our conscious awareness… why is this beneficial? When we go through emotions and actions with full, conscious awareness, we discover deeper truths about ourselves over time. We discover any needs that must be met in the moment, or any perceptions stemmed from judgment. This allows us to act from a place of love more often, and less from a place of ego/identity.
It’s important to understand that emotions are not good or bad. Happiness, sadness, anger, joy… they are simply emotions from different sides of the spectrum. One emotion is not better or worse than the other… they just are. Moreover, our emotions do not make us more worthy or less worthy of being loved, safe, and understood.
When we come to realize that anger is not superior or inferior to happiness, we can accept the emotion when it arises. We also no longer perceive ourselves as unlovable or unworthy when we feel this emotion. This allows us to integrate it into love rather than suppressing it to rot in our being and grow like weeds.
When we treat ourselves with more compassion and provide space for our anger, we can communicate our needs effectively with others more often; all while organically creating a space of solace for those you love and yourself.
Learning to cope with our anger and tame our beautiful tiger within not only improves the relationships around us, but most importantly, improves our relationship with ourselves. We understand ourselves deeper than before, which leads to understanding others more deeply. We trust ourselves more, and judge ourselves less… leading us to provide that same energy for others.
We eventually will unlock a deeper level of self-love and confidence when we understand and accept our emotions for what they are, rather than allowing them to consume us and dictate our every action and conversation.
We begin to show up as our highest self more often.
Through this elevated level of conscious awareness, relationships will organically repair, and you and the ones you love will feel more understood and heard. Your mind, heart, and physical body will feel lighter, and you will learn to be able to fulfill your own needs by simply understanding your emotions on a deeper level; and eventually, the vibration of love and light will overlap and wash over you… creating a beautiful, harmonious space of calm for yourself and others.
When it comes to self-love, I believe one of the most significant techniques is learning to strengthen our awareness of thoughts, and reframing the thoughts that do not serve our highest good. In “Learning to Love Yourself (Pt. 1)”, I briefly discuss the concept of gaining awareness of our thoughts. Once we learn to master this step, we can move onto reframing the thoughts that do not align with our true essence.
As we become aware of our inner critic or inner thoughts that are fear-based, we are then in a position to nurture and love parts of ourselves that have been deprived of our light. It is not uncommon for us to be going through our days on auto-pilot mode, with endless amounts of fear-based thoughts and emotions running through the subconscious mind and body. We (not knowingly) distract ourselves by being on-the-go all the time, constantly scrolling through social media, smoking/drinking, etc. For true healing, we must delve into these hidden, dark, aspects of our being. In doing so, we can then see, hear, and take hold of the energies (thoughts/emotions) that no longer serve us, and transmute them into love.
As we develop a greater and deeper awareness of the thoughts and emotions running on replay in our subconscious mind/body, we strengthen our ability to reprogram the subconscious. When we learn to gain a deeper level of awareness, we can witness any fear-based thoughts passing in the midst of our day, and immediately grasp them. As we witness these particular thoughts (e.g., thoughts that are unkind, thoughts full of shame, thoughts of failure, etc.) like a fly zooming past us, we can grasp them and reprogram them into love-based thoughts. For example, if you experience the thought “I’m never enough”, you can stop it right there and then. Feel it out, give yourself space. Then, nurture that aspect of yourself like you would with a young child. What would you tell a child you loved who felt like they were not enough or felt like they were unworthy?
Many of our thoughts and emotions are stemmed from beliefs that were once instilled in us in our past. Perhaps, a parent who verbally abused as a child, or perhaps a former lover whose actions made us believe we were unworthy of love; maybe a figure of authority who said we couldn’t amount to anything, etc. If we unconsciously agreed to such critique, we have stored, planted, and rooted these beliefs in our subconscious (no matter how much we deny it on a more superficial level). We then go on into new relationships, new careers, our daily lives, etc. with core beliefs that are not consistent with the love and light we hold within. This hinders us tremendously from our most ultimate potential. It hinders us from ascending. It hinders us from fully experiencing the true ecstasy of the present moment and the innermost stillness we embody within. It hinders us from aligning with higher frequencies.
Reclaim your power. Innerstand your thoughts and emotions. Transmute those that do not align with your highest self, into love. Start re-planting, nurturing, and feeding your beautiful mind thoughts of love.. For you ARE love. xoxo
Sometimes we will inevitably time travel into our past as we evolve (or the past will catch up to us). We move backwards in order to move forwards. When we are in tune with our subconscious, we can go into these lower dimensions while still remaining vibrationally aligned with a higher frequency. We must consistently remind ourselves to go into our lower dimensions with full conscious awareness. When the residues of your past selves or inner child make a loud appearance out of nowhere, honor them and welcome them. Matter of fact, have them take a seat at the table and make them some tea.
Go through any necessary old behavioral and emotional thought patterns with full conscious awareness and mindfulness. Dive into the deep end unapologetically, but make sure to remain as the observer. Dive into the space where all of your unresolved past pain resides. Don’t get caught up now. Dive in, then come up for air.. (or leave the front and back door open for your past selves to come as they please, and go once they’re done with their tea lol). To remain as the observer in non-resistant mode, is to master the art of transcendence.
Our subconscious mind will continue to run the show in our outer reality if we don’t dig deep into the shadow of our being. We must extract what is subconsciously weighing us down and give it back to source in order to free ourselves. We must re-discover old pain from childhood or from our past that has been unconsciously suppressed, and nurture it with with the love and care it was once deprived from.
As we re-discover any ignored or suppressed trauma/pain that has been lodged in the deep end, we can then resolve it (inwardly). Doing this in that short lil’ dive, or short lil’ tea session, we clear karmic debt. We free ourselves, our parents, our future children, and our ancestors. We connect to the essence of who we truly are and release the burdens that have been weighing ourselves and our lineage down. We generate our DNA to a higher frequency. We transcend our minds and hearts. We alchemize our darkness into divine light.